The Academy

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Saturday, March 22, 2003
My head hurts.

Wow. As usual, Mark put us all to shame with those rather remarkable hyperlinks. I had no idea such things existed. I am consistently amazed by Mark's ability to reveal the true nastiness of the Internet. After all, it was Mark who revealed to me the horror that is this web page. Upon inspection, be as amazed as I was that html can smell like pee. It can, and it does.

Thursday, March 20, 2003
I have had it. Would someone please explain to me when it became okay for a lawyer, in an office setting, to sit on a toilet in a restroom and speak on a mobile phone with someone - ENGAGED IN DEEP CONVERSATION - while making TURDS? I overheard such a conversation last week and thought perhaps it was pre-war jitters, but we're well past pre-war jitters people and it happened again today. My mature response is (i) to push REALLY hard to make the pee coming out of my penile urethra make a loud, loud noise, and (ii) collect and share the story and my favorite quotes: (in a strong hushed stage-like whisper which sort of sounded like someone trying to open a stubborn jar of pickles) "Let me call you back when I finish this thing.", and "I'm going to have to call you back when I have the paper in front of me." The paper, sir, is on a roll beside the BOWL you are shitting in. Stop lying to clients!

I want y'all to be aware that there is a "Camp New Jersey" in the Kuwaiti desert. Some of our nation's bravest are being forced to sleep in a place named for a state they would be wise to avoid back at home. I think that's terrible. Why not name is "Camp Hawaii" or "Camp Disney World" to cheer the troops? It's bad enough that they have to be there -- let's give them a little something to smile about.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
The study only included Harvard valedictorians, right? I wouldn't worry, Mindy.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
As Usual, I'll Fill The Silence With Yammering

You know, I heard the other day that they did a study. (Who did, Mindy? Oh -- I don't know... they did. Don't ask me for specifics. Some people that seem pretty reliable were talking about it at lunch.) They did a study of people who had finished first in their law school class at Harvard. And in this study they determined that not a one of these fine folks was practicing law. Nor were they, as you might expect, thriving happily in some academic institution. Nope. According to this study THEY HAVE ALL GONE CRAZY. Lost their minds, the lot of them. Ever since I heard this piece of information I have become concerned that I might be one of these people. And that I might be in the process of going crazy right this very minute. That I might now be on my way to eventually driving a cab and yelling at people about ripeness and mootness the whole time. I mean, I did really well in law school. But is that a proven marketable skill? Is there any real proof of a connection between success in law school and success in the actual practice of law? Is there the kind of proof that can contravert the weightiness of this unsubstantiated study that I heard about second hand from some people?

After two days of law firm interviews, I'm just stunned by how completely unprepared I am to actually go do litigation kinds of things. I think I'm ready to get prepared very quickly, though. The good news is I'm enjoying myself. I had a very nice time today at a very big law firm that I expected to be very scary but was actually not so scary at all. In fact, the people there seemed downright normal. Every one of them came complete with a sense of humor. This is good for me -- because, as the title of this post suggests, I tend to fill silence with yammering. No silences today. No yammering necessary.

Yesterday I was at a very, very small firm that seemed like heaven on earth. It was humbling, though. Remind me to take my Note off my resume, would someone please? I forget that people have Westlaw and can go get those things. And, one person did kind of make me feel like a tool for enjoying things like ripeness and mootness. He didn't mean to, really, but you could tell. "You law clerks with your ripeness and your mootness!" (eye roll) It is quite possible that I'm projecting. I'm pretty ashamed of my passion for federal jurisdiction. It is a clear sign that I am a big, big dork. But at least its not as clear a sign as, oh, I don't know, showing up at Lord of the Rings on opening night dressed as a hobbit. Wait. Is it?

HEY. How come Mindy and I are doing all the talking lately? It reminds me of certain law school classes we had.

Sunday, March 16, 2003
Just so's you know, I'm ashamed too, Natalie.

Many disgruntled googlers have been directed straight to our site in a search for coverage of Natalie Maines' comments about Bush. I offer this link to help those people out, even though I think they're getting here by searching for "fat dixie chick." Stop that! Stop calling her that! Jeez, just because we called her that here once (or, rather, I did). I did it out of self-deprecating humor and not meanness. Do you actually think that there will be a news story out there with a headline reading Fat Dixie Chick Insults Bush? Are you a moron?

I've just realized that this very post has perpetuated the trend I am trying to turn back. I can't think clearly, however, because I am in Los Angeles.